When is enough, enough? One week, one year, one lifetime? It's been over a year since my heart was broken and I thought I was ok with things by now. Well at least enough to not have such a gut wrenching reaction. Alas that is not the case. A few months ago I saw the heartbreaker across the street (living in my neighbourhood doesn't help) and my reaction was so strong and unexpected that it took a while to regain my composure. I was disappointed with myself for still allowing him to have such a strong effect on me and hoped that would be the last time.
Again... alas that is not the case. I knew that by staying in the industry I would run the risk of hearing/seeing him again on a professional level. I haven't yet encountered that, but today I came across a quote request from him and it floored me. Why? Why should an email from him cause such a reaction? It was incredibly unexpected so I'm sure that played a part but again I am disappointed that he still has such an effect on me.
I want to be done with him, over him completely. There's nothing about his actions that deserves space in my brain yet he's still in there! What can I do to rid myself of him? I thought that with enough time passed the effect he has on me would start to fade. It hasn't and I don't know why. Were my feelings for him that strong? Have I not addressed the major issues surrounding the whole thing?
With everything that has gone on in my life that last couple years I think I was avoiding dealing with my feelings towards him to ensure there was enough energy to get me through everything else. I haven't spoken to him since spring of 2009, though I did write a letter outlining what I thought of him and his behaviour to which he replied. Foolish me replied back thinking I could be an exception in his life. At least now I know I never was nor will I ever be.
I had an incredibly positive feeling yesterday, that it's my turn to be happy. After two years of crap with an amazing Olympic experience thrown in (amazing but exhausting) I really do feel it's my turn in life. I will be 30 this coming spring and I'm really getting a handle on who I am and what I want. Much more so than my teens and early twenties. A big part has been simply acceptance. Acceptance of myself, others and the world in general. Maybe that's what I need to do to move on from him. Accept what happened and that he no longer deserves space or energy in my brain. Maybe then my reactions will be more in line with what he deserves... nothing.
